A Heartbeat Epiphany

So, about all of this talk about having purpose. All of the talk in my head, overflowing out my fingertips and through my teeth, I have preached to many my belief that being alive today is a result and shear proof that God has a purpose for me. Without God's mercy and providence I wouldn't be here today to write this blog post (let alone take a breath.) And for so long I have stood fearless of death. My concern was never what my purpose was, as long as I was doing what was glorifying to God (though I don't always succeed at that). I knew that when I was done on earth I will have done my part in God's world and He will not have left me.

This late spring, I was married to a pretty fabulous guy. And it seemed like as soon as the calm after the "wedding-storm" came, we were blessed with the news that we were expecting. Some time has passed and I'm glad to report that I'm no longer enduring morning sickness all day. Nope, lately it has been true to its name and only been bugging me in the mornings. Still, I am quite certain that whoever called it "morning sickness" must have been a man.

Yesterday, I had my first real appointment with my midwives. Most of the appointment was incomparably fabulous to the moment when David and I heard our baby's heart beat for the first time. The midwife turned to David and assured him "there really is a baby in there!"

Now, there is this new uncomfortable feeling with death. Before, I would have been comfortable or okay with leaving this earth young and eventually forgotten, as I said before. But now is different. Now I can foresee my purpose. I can feel it as my body changes to make a temporary home for my child. I'm not ready now. I'm not done. I know this because I can feel my experiences becoming bits of wisdom that no one will greater benefit from than my little one.

Now I seek to increase in gentleness, because life is precious - and I don't just mean my own. No, I'm proud that my purpose isn't to be famous or known for my accomplishments. No, my purpose is even greater, more fantastic, so divinely organized... My purpose is to raise precious children of God.

So, though my blog posts will be few and far apart, I will surely update you with the progress of our new adventure with our little Chonister.

God Bless.