Journals from a Face-Biter

I used to be a blogger. I really wish I could say I am now. How very little time I have on my hands these days. Really. But what do you expect with a life like mine? Ups and downs. Highs and lows. Haha, you could compare it to a ocean waves (*you* know who you are.) But over all, I've had the same basic standards for my past, present, and, most importantly, my future. I've always kind of known some things about where I was going. Not so much things I knew I was going to do, but things I knew I wasn't going to do. Then, there were the things I said I wasn't going to do. The things I thought I didn't want to do. The things I did, but shouldn't have done. The things that I should have done, but didn't... etc. etc.

Things I did or didn't do...

However, like a freight train, when the "future" hits you, its hits you hard. Suddenly, planning on doing or not doing those things becomes actually taking or not taking action. I used to babysit and clean house for a woman whom I really admired for her cheerfulness for life. Her long red hair sinking down to her bum and four children close, she'd say with a smile "College, Marriage, Baby.." to me almost every time I saw her. Really, almost EVERY TIME without fail. You;d think she was hammering it into my head with that smile. Ha, yes, and I would just smile back - but the phrase stuck with me ...and I almost dreaded hearing it...haha...

Anyway, its such a simple phrase - not. Its huge. now college, I can understand.. most defiantly! Having come out of my earlier years of wanting to be the brains behind big screen productions, I have wholeheartedly set my sights on teaching at a high-school level. Now, I'm looking into colleges, deciding what I want - where I am going to go. Then HORRAH! I get an education in education! I get my degree! I get a job! I start my career!... I'm on my way.

College around the bend.

But the second part of that phrase got me. Marriage? PSHA..no, omg! are you kidding? like WHAT? yeah... Now, babies I can live with, but a MAN??? ha. HA. I can take care of myself. THANK you VERY much, lady, but no thanks. And don't even get me started on babies...cause that requires *gulp* touching a man. *barf*

Well - sorta.

You see, I had and have a lot of fears about *gulp* relationships. I won't go into why. If you want to know, eh - I'll let you risk asking me. ;) but anyway, "not getting married" has been my lot in life. Of course, I have been in high-school. I'm really not lying. For the last 4 years, high-school has very much been my lot in life. As they say, its not a lot, but its my life! (hehe..) To those of you who have had deeper meaningful talk with me in the last few years, I've assured you that I don't intend on man hunting - but I don't intend on shunning marriage if it means a more meaningful life.

Too keep this simple for me, I'll use what I said here to Mrs. Buck's questionnaire last night to explain.

The question was:

"...answer one of the following questions and also the why after the question: 1) Do you intend to get married? And why? 2) If you are already married, why did you marry? 3) If you do not intend to marry, I invite you to explain your reasons why."

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match!

"My answer: Alright, 1) yes. I intend to even though I very often tell people "no, I probably won't," to excuse myself from having to explain anything to them. I'm just mean that way. ;)

However, I do mean it when I s...ay: I never intend(ed) to be the one to go on a man hunt. I'm not after a husband and you won't see me singing "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match!" in any form of seriousness. But overall, I have no reason not to be open to a good Christian man coming into my life and wholeheartedly facilitating the relationship by being a Godly woman and wife. ---And I'm confident that God can provide such good Christian men when and where needed.

I don't fear commitment - but rather the lack of! What is a life without relationships? For some, that doesn't mean marriage - but for most, it probably does.

And I don't mind saying that I want a career, for sure! But I also want a family eventually. Success isn't dying alone. :)

There's nothing important that I can have as a single person that I can't have in good healthy relationship.

I am now excused from answering 2&3. :)"

Quite different then "never will I marry! grr! I'll bite your face off!"

Not that I would bite anyone's face off, but it can sound a little bitter. Quite honestly, I have been bitter at times. Bitter towards men. Bitter towards God for making them (silly, I know.) And, I admit, I am still not please with the gender as a whole (no offense gentlemen!), but I'm not pleased with my gender either.

I really do believe God knows what He's doing, though. He CAN bring girls like me good Christian men. I don't HAVE to ban hunt if I am meant to marry.

In other words, saying "I'm never getting married" so loosely (saying what I wasn't going to do ) is probably one of those things I shouldn't have done, but did anyway.

Saying what I thought I was going to do more clearly and thinking that through more thoroughly is probably what I should have done, but didn't.

So let me tell you what I'm going to do: I am going to apologize for being a face-biter.

I'm sorry for being a face-biter. I am a bitter little girl sometimes. But I'm growing up. (yey!) I'm stepping out. I'm going to college. I'm seeing God's plans unfold for me. I don't know what they are exactly. At the speed of a falling star, life can change course. Its has for me. Maybe I will get married. I don't plan on avoiding the possibility when it comes knocking at the right time from the right person.

...for being a face-biter.

Psalm 25:5

God be with me, lead me.

Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.